The TRUE Story of Haruhi Suzumiya

Read the Truth, Join the Fight!

The following journal entries were all that were found at the scene, allegedly written by Pvt. Lance Uppercut of the California Army National Guard. Illegible writing is not presented here. The following events take place between the hours 20:00 PM and 01:00 AM.

8:45 PM - Thursday, December 21, 2006

• Nothing happening today as usual. Me and John are going over to his house to play with his Wii for the rest of the night after my shift is done.
  

11:45 PM - Thursday, December 21, 2006

• We've just received reports of a small group of unidentified landing craft sighted off the waters near San Francisco Bay. They appear to be LCVP's of some sort, with strange markings on the hull bearing what appears to be the letters: "SOS". More updates later. They're not responding to our warnings. Sending scouts to investigate. What the hell is going on?
  

12:05 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• The craft have landed and have started unloading unidentified personnel onto the shores of the bay. Scout teams have reported back, sighting men clad in dark uniforms with strange markings on them, still with "SOS" letters. Attempts to establish communications have failed again. We've just lost contact with scouting teams. Reporting strange radio signals.
  

"Suzumiya...*static*...invasion...Brigade...*static*...not enough...*static*...America."

That's all I got of the message.

12:10 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• I think we've finally got an idea of who the hell these people are. They call themselves the "SOS Brigade" or whatever retarded shit abbreviation that stands for. Their leader has come forth on the radio and is called: "Haruhi Suzumiya". I would never have thought the Japanese would invade again. They claim they're going to be setting up an "ASOS Brigade" in the US, wanting to "spread excitement" all over the place, the same SOS bullshit except with the 'A' standing for 'Americans'. They went babbling on about "licensing" and "English translations". They obviously want to convert more good US folks to this religious cult called "Haruhiism". Not on my watch.
  

12:13 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• We're under heavy fire. Don't know how long we can hold out. We've already lost twelve men to these crazy SOS cult fuckers. Our bullets just bounce off their body armor. Or whatever material it is. It couldn't have been made by normal humans. They don't seem to be faltering in their advance. They've already secured their beachhead and I still see more of these bastards' landing craft coming from afar. We need reinforcements quick. They're spewing all this crap about "aliens, time travelers, espers" and whatnot on the radio. I don't know who this "Haruhi" bitch is, but when I get to her, I'll make sure she gets a hard kick in the ovaries.
  

12:20 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• For the love of God, help us. They're right on our doorstep. We have to warn the rest of the country. Try and stop this damned invasion. I don't know why this is happening, but it is. We don't have much time. Oh, God, why isn't any of our equipment working? Can't contact anyone. If anyone finds this, tell them of what happened here. Please. Tell my wife and kids to get the hell out of here. Jesus, help me.
  

END REPORT